Fish jokes

• How do you confuse a blind lesbian?Take her to a fish market.
• What do you call a fish with cancer?Finding Chemo!
• Apparently, my grandad has been like a "fish out of water" since moving into the old peoples home.In other words, he"s dead.
• I was walking along the beach when I saw a small boy lying on the sand who had been stung by a jelly fish. I remembered that if you"re stung by one you should to piss on it, so I whipped my dick out and started pissing on him. His parents weren"t too pleased though, apparently it doesn"t work when they"re dead.
• A small boy goes into the kitchen one day and run up to his mum. "Mummy, mummy, Grandma"s got a prawn between her legs!""Pardon, darling?""Grandma"s got a prawn between her legs!""Okay, show me"They both walk into the living room, where they find Grandma fast asleep and looking very pleased. Her knickers are missing and her skirt has ridden up so that nothing is left to the imagination."See Mummy? A prawn," says the little boy, pointing between his gran"s splayed legs."No, darling that"s something special women have.""But Mummy," says the little boy, looking confused. "It tasted like a prawn."
• A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he"s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal.""No, no," the penguin replies, "it"s just ice cream."
• Two goldfish are in a tankOne turns to the other and says: You drive, I"ll man the guns
• A man went fishing and hadn"t caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it. The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wifes legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
• Give an African man a fishand he"ll feed his family for one dayGive him the tools to catch fishand he will catch thousands ,sell them down the local market ,make enough money to buy an AK 47 assualt rifle,declare himself dictator,hire a few mercenaries ,invade the neighbouring village killing every last man,woman and child"Now That"s Incentive"
• On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.They"ve obviously never been to the Britannia chippy on the Gloucester Road.
• Murphy: "You"ve a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?" Paddy: "I"ve called them, One and Two". Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?" Paddy: ""Coz if One dies, I"ve still got Two".
• What"s the difference between an Essex Girl and a Walrus?One"s got whiskers and stinks of fish... and the other one"s a walrus.