Fire jokes

• Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the blaze. To cause even more heartbreak, The President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to colour in the second one!
• I slept through the alarm this morning, good thing it was only a small fire.
• Latest reports have stated the fires in Camden have caused around 25p of damage.
• My mother-in-law asked me "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the fireplace?"I replied "To keep the kids away from the fire"
• A man was arrested in London, found pouring petrol on Muslims and setting fire to them.When the Police asked him what he was doing he said, "about 10 to the gallon".
• How do you make a white guy laugh?Set a Paki"s beard on fire.
• If you"re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he"s the famous erudite scientist who once said:"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.Here are some of his gems:1 - I"d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don"t expect it back.3 - Half the people you know are below average.4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.12 - OK, so what"s the speed of dark?13 - How do you tell when you"re out of invisible ink?14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 - When everything is coming your way, you"re in the wrong lane.17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don"t get sucked into jet engines.22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn"t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?25 - If at first you don"t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 - Experience is something you don"t get until just after you need it.28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you"ll have to catch up.32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don"t have film.34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
• One day a builder got home a little early, and found his wife in bed with another man.Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage.He then secured the man"s cock in a vice. The man shitting himself screamed "Stop! Stop! You"re not going to cut it off are you?" "Nope," replied the builder, "You are. I"m going to set the garage on fire."
• A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young girl enquires about the room. The wife explains that because it is such an old terraced house there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room. The young girl says, "It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband? The wife replies, If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening it will be fine because he always goes out to play darts from about 7 O"clock till after 11pm."OK",the girl says. The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When she undresses ready to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife thinks to herself that its strange that the girl has no pubic hairs Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair. "It must look very strange and unnatural, are you sure?" says the husband. "I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath", says the wife. So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife says " where"s your pubes love?", and the girl says "pubes? I"ve never grown any", so wife pulls her knickers down and says "here, this is what you should have" and reveals a big bushy fanny with clock springs hanging out. Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband, who seems pissed off, and he says to his wife "She was lovely, but Why on earth did you lift your skirt up and show your minge?", and she says "you must have seen me a thousand times naked, why are you bothered?" and the bloke says-"I have, but the rest of the fucking darts team haven"t".
• When did Pinocchio first realise he was made of wood?When he had a wank and his fuckin" hand caught fire.
• What"s the worst thing about setting your cooker on fire?Telling her parents.
• I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas.It"s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
• Give a man a fire and he"ll be warm for the rest of the day, set a man on fire and he"ll be warm for the rest of his life.[Terry Pratchett]