Finger jokes

• A few years ago now, I got kicked out of primary school. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen.
• Did you hear about when they made K Y Jelly millenium compliant?It allowed you to safely insert four digits in your date!
• it takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel
• Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old?Because he was a paedophile.
• Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.
• Half of relationships end because of bad sex.Mine however ended because of good sex... With another Woman.
• I can see that American scientists have been able to make a human finger grow.All they need to do now is grow one leg and a complete cunt and they will have a clone of Heather Mills.
• My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused.Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.
• How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?One of his fingers is clean.
• I broke my G-string yesterday while fingering a minor.To be fair, I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven"s Door. Never mind, I"ll just have to buy new strings.
• An Essex guy and an Essex girl are making out in his car when the girl says, "Put your finger inside of me!"He is only too willing to oblige."Put another finger inside of me!"So he does."Put your whole hand inside of me!" she says, moaning in pleasure."Now put both hands inside of me!" she screams."Now clap!" she gasps."I can"t clap!" replied the guy."Tight, aren"t I?" she smiles.
• A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger right into the dead man"s anus, withdraws it and then licks it.He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit."The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. Note, I sunk the middle finger but I licked my index."
• For the funeral Mrs Beadle doesn"t know what to arrange.She would like a lavish do, but on the other hand thinks a small finger buffet is more appropiate!
• Uncle Chester is at his niece"s birthday party. When they are alone he says, "my present is a surprise. You have to close your eyes and I"ll put my finger in your belly button."The girl closes her eyes and then says, "hey, that"s not my belly button!""Surprise! That"s not my finger either!"
• One night, Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teacher"s tent and asks, "Miss, can I please sleep with you tonight?"His teacher replies, "NO."Johnny moans and says, "but my mummy lets me.""Okay then, just for tonight," the teacher replies.Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks, "Miss, can I please play with your belly button with my finger?"She again says, "NO.""But my mummy lets me," says Johnny again."Well, I suppose it"s okay," replies the teacher.Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming, "THAT"S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON!"Little Johnny replies, "it ain"t my finger either."
• A motorcycle cop comes across two bikers. One biker has two fingers up the ass of the other. " What the hell are you doing?" asks the cop" My buddy here"s got some food stuck and is choking," says the one biker, "I"m trying to make him sick.""You"re meant to stick your fingers down his throat, not up his ass," replies the cop.The first biker says, "Yeah, I know, but you get better results if you stick them up his ass first..."
• What"s the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
• Little Suzie is sitting in class when the teacher notices a puddle beneath her chair."Ah Suzie, why didn"t you put your hand up?" asks the teacher."I did Miss, but it ran through my fucking fingers."
• What"s the difference between a bandleader and a gynaecologist?A bandleader fucks his singers
• I was very disapointed after reading today that a man can get paid 60 pounds just for donating his sperm. Its tragic just to think about all that money I"ve let slip through my fingers
• A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?""Yes, I"m sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It"s quite alright," replies the woman, "It"s very talented, watch this, I"ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
• A man at the timber yard accidentally shears off his fingers.He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do."The man replies, "I haven"t got the fingers."The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven"t got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery. I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn"t you bring the fingers?"The man replies, "I couldn"t fucking pick them up!"
• Shagged a deaf and dumb girl last night. Felt a bit ashamed of myself the next day, so I broke all her fingers so she couldn"t tell anyone!