Fight jokes

• I went to a cock fight the other day. It was great fun but my balls are killing me!
• The other day I got into a fight with this tough guy called Dave. I fought as best as I could but he was just too strong. He gave me a broken jaw, knocked four of my teeth out and I had a few cracked ribs. To make it worse his mate Jim was standing there shouting out expletives, calling me a pussy and a cocksucker and slapping my face and all sorts. It was horrible.I fucking hate having Multiple Personality Disorder.
• A friend of mine who is colour blind got into a fight last week. He was beaten grey and dark grey.
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won"t fight for it.
• I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn"t true.
• I was round Liverpool the other day when some scousers started squaring up to us."Pretend we"re the police," my mate whispered to me.They kicked the shit out of me before I even got to the chorus!
• Never get into a fight with an ugly bastard, because they"ve got nothing to lose.
• A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot & dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer"s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck & it fell in this field & now I"m going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property & you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand & if you don"t let me get that duck, I"ll sue you & take everything you own." The old farmer smiled & said, "Apparently, you don"t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the "Three Kick Rule"?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times & then you kick me three times & so on back & forth until one gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor & walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer"s groin & dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer"s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer"s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & remaining strength & very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it"s my turn." The old farmer smiled & said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
• I was chatting to a mate in the pub- who loves jokes- and I was telling him a little story. So I began my tale:"I went to see a Gypsy fortune teller the other day, who put me in touch with me dead grandfather. After we had finished and I had paid her, she smiled at me and in a jolly voice said she had really enjoy the session- So I smacked her in the face!"My smartarse mate chipped in, "Ha ha- Thats becase you LIKE TO STRIKE A HAPPY MEDIUM isn"t it!" I replied, "No, its because I can"t fucking stand gypsies."
• Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he"d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he"s walking with a limp."What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O"Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy."That little shit, O"Conner," says Sean, "He couldn"t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.""That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin" he gave me with it.""Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, "Didn"t you have something in your hand?""That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O"Conner"s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fucking fight."{Jim Davidson}
• This isn"t sick but it"s a good stupid story to tell your mates down the pub:So I was in the pub drinking away and this guy barges straight past me knocking my damn drink all over me!So I said to him, "HEY! You! You"re gonna fight me for that."He says back, "woaaa mate relax, I"m a lover not a fighter."So I snogged him...Turns out he was a fighter...
• two peanuts were talking down the street and one was a salted