Father jokes

• My mother always said I had my father in me.And he was the one who always threatened to kill me if I ever told her.
• I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.I never really got along with my real ladder.
• A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
• "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father."Dad why are wedding dresses white?"The father looks at his son in surprise and says,"Son, all household appliances come in white."
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don"t want them fucking your mother after I"m gone!"
• Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?They know Jewish women can"t resist anything with 10% off.
• A bloke is watching TV, his wife is out at bingo. As he is settling down his son, who was watching TV up in his room, appears in the doorway. "Dad, what"s love juice?"The dad chokes on his beer and thinks, "Well he is 12 now perhaps I should explain"."Well son" he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become exited, your willy will get very hard."The dad gulps and carries on. "You will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet, this is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse." The son looks curious and says, "Ok dad thanks." As he is leaving the room the dad says, "Hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that?"The son replies "Just the Tennis."
• A convicted drug dealer is in prison, and his father, an old farmer, comes to visit. His father explains that they are having problems."Son, the ground is frozen. It is too hard for me to dig myself at my age, but I can"t afford extra men or to hire machines- I don"t think we will be able to plant crops this year, which will mean we will go bankrupt and lose the farm."Later the prisoner goes back to his cell and writes a letter to his father- " Dear Father, please be aware that a good friend of mine will be visiting soon. There is a large quantity of stuff he is collecting. It is hidden on the farm, he will know exactly what to do." Some weeks later the prioner"s father comes to visit. "Well, son, your friend never showed up, but before I even got your letter the police came round, searched the whole house and dug up all the land around, but they didn"t find anything." The prisoner smiles, " Happy planting, dad."
• What"s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?Father"s day.
• A man was driving from Wick to Inverness, when suddenly a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The driver stops, and notices a beautiful young woman to the side of the road. The highlander opens the door and drags the man out and shouts "Right you, I want you to masturbate.""But..." the driver stutters."Now, or I"ll bloody well kill you"So the man turns his back to the girl and starts masturbating - thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a minute. "Right, do it again!" shouts the highlander."But...""NOW!"The man reluctantly starts masturbating again. This goes on for several hours until the man collapses. "Do it again!""I just can"t anymore, you"ll just have to kill me..."The highlander picks the man up and says "All right, NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."