Farmer jokes

• A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.“Darn it,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
• Two farmers are in a bar, and one says to the other, " I think my dog is gay""Why is that then?" the other one replied."Because his cock tastes like shit" he answered.
• A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.Unfortunately he"s having some trouble with squatters.
• A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor"s daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her." "I can"t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can"t you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor"s sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it." Again, the young man said "I can"t print that, either! Let"s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?" The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."
• An old farmer"s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.His wife says to him, "why don"t you put an ad in the paper to get him back".The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing."What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife."Here boy," said the farmer.
• Three guys: a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a British engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and when they pick it up a Genie pops out. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land in Canada to be forever fertile." POOOOF! With a blink of the Genie"s eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Laden was amazed at this display, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall to be set up around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, British and other infidels forever outside our precious state." POOOOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie"s eye, a huge wall appeared around those countries. The British engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it"s 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries... it"s virtually impenetrable. Now what is YOUR wish?" The British engineer smiles and says, "fill it with water."
• A blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "sure!"The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "you"re right! Okay, I"ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
• A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncleFor the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things; chickens, cows, crops, etc. however, it"s obvious the nephew is getting bored so the uncle suggests he goes on a hunt."Why don"t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"This cheers up the nephew and off he goes with the dogs in trail.after a few hours, the nephew returns "Did you enjoy it?" asks the uncle"It was great! got any more dogs?"
• A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"The lawyer said, "No, you don"t understand, Do you have a suit?"The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain"t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that"s where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"The farmer said, "No, she"s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that"s why I wants me a fackin" dayvorce."
• A farmer is loking really pissed of in his local pub when his friend asks him what"s wrong. "I can"t get the bull to mate with the cows," he says. His friend says, "Well I have a tip for you. When you get home, rub your hand over the cows cunt and smear it over the bulls nose and he will fuck them senseless. So the farmer goes home and does as his friend says and sure enough, the bull is fucking every cow in sight. So the farmer thinks "If it works for the bull, then I"ll try it on the wife tonight". So that night while his wife is asleep, he slides into bed and rubs his hand over his wifes cunt and smears it over his nose. He gets a raging hard on and then nudges his wife in the ribs and says "Take a look at this." His wife switches the lamp on, turns round, looks at him and says "You woke me up just to show me you have a nose bleed."