Fancy dress jokes

• I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• The wife went to a fancy dress party as a pirate the other night, not because she liked the costume but because it was the only one that would hide her fucking black eye.
• Leroy Umbongo, a little Nigerian boy with no arms and legs, has been crowned world fancy dress champion. He stuck a piece of string up his arse and went as a conker!
• We went to a fancy dress party last night and my wife went as a prostitute.It was going well until a bloke turned up as Steve Wright.
• I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts.A woman at the party said to me, "this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?""A premature ejaculation," I said."What do you mean?" replied the woman."I"ve come in my pants," I said.
• A black guy gets invited to a fancy dress party. Needing an outfit, he goes to a costume shop.He asks a female assistant for help."I need a costume for a party, please.""Okay, sir, how about this?" says the assistant, presenting the black man with a Father Christmas suit."Don"t be stupid, I"m not going as a black Santa!" replies the black man."Okay, well how about this one then?" She shows the black man a fluffy white snowman costume."No! I"m not going as snowman either! I"m black! Don"t you understand?" shouts the rather annoyed black man."Fine!" says the assistant as she hands the black man a plank of wood."What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" he asks."Stick it up your arse and go as a choc ice!"
• A man goes to a fancy dress wearing a milk bottle over his cock.When asked what he ws meant to be, he said " A fire alarm - just smash the glass, pull hard and I"ll come as fast as I can!"
• There"s this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn"t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your baldhead and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads....."Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple, you cunt."
• One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I"m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker""Really" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."
• woman says to husband i got nothing to wear to the fancy dress so he says to her pull your pissflaps over your head an go as a sugar puff