Family jokes

• 22,000 dead in Burma so far. Both families are said to be devastated.
• Apparently, my wife was telling me, obesity runs in her family...it would be the only thing that fucking does...
• My kids have been going on and on at me for ages about going to Alton Towers, so I thought today was as good a day as any.They were fucking gutted when I got home!
• A man says to his wife, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."His wife replies, "you"ve got a bigger dick than your brother."
• Carlsberg don"t do family slaughter...But Fosters do.
• What"s the difference between a black man and a park bench?A park bench can support a family.
• I was at a family gathering and I had a shocking realisation. I saw my mother-in-law, and it hit me - in 25 years time, that"s what my wife will look like. But it wasn"t all bad - it occured to me that, in 25 years, our young daughter will probably look like my wife does now - so there is always that option.
• Asylum seeker at the side of the road eating grass. Man pulls up in his car and says "Hey! Don"t eat that. Come home with me and I"ll feed you."The asylum seeker replies "I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"Man says "Fuck off, I"ve only got a small lawn!"
• I"m sweating like an Austrian at a family reunion.
• I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomyHe said " Thats a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?""Yes" I replied, "They"re in favour of it, 14 to 3..."