Fag jokes

• Why is Don King like Michael Barrymore?Both will see you get a good fisting in the ring!
• I love going gay clubbing!My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.
• George Michael has been banned from his local pub today for having a sneaky fag in the gents.
• Note to anyone planning to visit America...their fannies are around the back, and men have them too...and it is advisable not to ask any guy if you can bum a fag from him.
• Images of dead and rotting corpses will soon be added to cigarette packets leaving many people unhappy.I however am all for it, cigarettes AND something to wank over!
• Researchers say that a circumsized man is 50% less likely to contract AIDS than an un-circumsized man.Of course, not sleeping with crackwhores and fags also helps.
• I stopped a bloke from killing himself once...I stole all his fags.
• The English Channel is generally considered to be the most hazardous stretch of water in the world.Apart from the shallow end of Michael Barrymore"s pool.
• This American bloke goes into a pub in Southern England. He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.The barman says, "you"re good, but Smiffy will have you."Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.The barman says, "you"re very good, but Smiffy will have you."Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.The barman says, "you"re fucking good, but Smiffy will have you."With this, the American chap says, "who the fuck is Smiffy?"The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his arse and says, "can you do that?"The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy fuckin" had him!
• I got asked to judge "Mr Gay UK" the other week. I said no problem, he"s immoral, against nature and he"s going to hell.
• I have noticed fluffyfreaker has just bombarded the site for about 20 minutes with duplicate and unfunny jokes. Using words like "Jello", "fag" meaning gay and "vacation" leads me to deduce this was only "friendly fire".
• A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn"t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.Hey," he called. "I"m a rabbit from the laboratory and I"ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?""Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It"s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn"t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?""You see that field there? It"s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There"s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They"re girls. We s*ag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I"m sorry, I had a great time but I can"t." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here.""I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I"m dying for a cigarette."
• I was speeding down the motorway at 100mph in my lorry when a motorbike came up along side me.He looked at me...did a handstand on his bike, then tapped my window."You haven"t got a fag have you mate?" he said."A fag....you"re going to fucking kill yourself!" I shouted."No......I only smoke 10 a day," he said.
• What"s the best way to extinguish a fag?Chuck them in Barrymore"s pool.
• I"ve got a summons because I put a fag out in the street.I was unaware I had to give my tenants 3 months notice
• Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on his holidays. Murphy says "Yeah, cheers mate get me 200 Bensons."Two weeks later Paddy comes home, sees Murphy in the pub and says, "I got your fags, you owe me sixty-eight quid.""For fuck"s sake," said Murphy, "where did you go on holiday?"Paddy says, "Butlins."
• Why doesn"t Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays?He puts his fags out in the pool.
• Saw an American holding a sign the other day saying:"DEATH PENALTY FOR FAGS"Now I know we have a smoking ban over here in Britain, but they"re taking it too far.
• My local Asian shopkeeper is great.We often do each other small favours.He gives me the odd four pack of lager or a pack of fags for free.And in return I don"t petrol bomb his shop.
• These days I like nothing better of an evening than smoking a few fags. I"m thinking of quitting soon though, at least until I find a way of disposing of the bodies.