Eye jokes

• What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, the bitch has already been told twice.
• A man is walking past a mental asylum when he hears a strange, constant chanting, "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen."His curiosity gets the better of him and finds a hole in a fence. He peers through it but the second he looks through it a finger slides through the hole and pokes him in the eye.He recoils in pain, rubbing his eye but also notices that the chanting has changed to, "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
• During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I"d like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That"s fine, but we"re in the middle of the Depression, so I"ll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can"t believe what he"s seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I"m a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There"s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I"ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I"ll give you another chance. I"ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you"re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I"ll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That"s how I win so much money, bartender. I"ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I"ll give you one last chance. I"ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn"t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you"re on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That"s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
• What"s this?RRRRRRRRRRA pirate eye chart.
• Apparently, Madeleine"s abductor was drawn to her distinctive brown eye...
• What"s black, has only one eye and is usually seen at the crack of dawn?Lenny Henry"s cock
• NEWSFLASHWest Midlands Police are looking for a 6"6", black, serial rapist, with one eyeIf they don"t catch him they are thinking about opening both of them....
• Operators of the London Eye have announced plans to build a similar attraction in every major country around the world.Brilliant, I can"t wait to see the Jap"s Eye.
• I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.We just couldn"t see eye to eye.
• Did you hear about the baby who was born with no eyelids, and the doctors had to take his foreskin from his circumcision and make eyelids for him?The kid is going to be alright, he"s just going to be a little cock-eyed!