Erection jokes

• I just rented Die Hard.Was disappointed when I discovered it was nothing to do with necrophilia.
• What do the Chinese take before elections?Viagla
• What does a Jew with an erection get when he runs into a wall?A broken nose.
• Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection."What"s that, Mummy?" asks the child."Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.A week later Johnny"s dad takes him and the same happens. "What"s that, Daddy?""That, son, is the elephant"s penis.""Mummy said it was nothing.""Your mother"s spoiled, Son!"
• Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says, "Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?"His Dad replies, "well, for a start, son, yours isn"t erect."
• I phoned that Childline the other day: what a fucking jip, you can tell they"re adult voices.I lost my erection straight away.
• Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what"s wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That"s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I"d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn"t show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
• My dick"s like a paddling pool.It gets deflated once the kids leave.
• Being at school is difficult. Being surrounded by attractive young girls and then trying to hide your erection to avoid embarrassment.Yeah, I"d have to say it"s tough being a primary school teacher.
• I"m currently sitting on the jury of a rape trial..Hearing the evidence and testimonies from the victim and witnesses is mentally, physically and emotionally draining...I mean, you try having an erection for eight hours solid which you can"t touch...
• A guy walked into his doctor"s surgery to book an appointment with his regular GP."Would you like to tell me your problem?" the receptionist quietly asked. "You see, I need the information for the doctor.""It"s quite embarassing, actually," the guy blushed. "I have a large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is busy today, but I"m sure I can squeeze you in," she replied.
• "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can"t get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doctor said."Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You"re in perfect health, Mr Thomas," he said. "Your wife didn"t give me an erection either."