English jokes

• What do you call an Englishman holding the Rugby world cup?An engraver
• How does an Englishman know if his wife is dead?The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
• An insect falls into a mug of beerEnglishman: Throws his mug away and walks outAmerican : Takes the insect out and drinks the beerChinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer awayIndian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himselfPakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
• How does an Englishman get his apples down?He uses a Pole.
• AMERICA!:The smartest, biggest, most powerful country in the worldThat failed to translate English into English without mistakes.
• Being a dyslexic at school, my English teacher always used to insult my grammar. I said, "you never even met her."
• An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
• I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African man, and two homosexuals.... didn"t stay long.
• An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub."I can"t believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we"ve been together 15 years and today I found out she"s been having an affair with a builder.""How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask."I found a box of tools under the bed.""Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife"s been having an affair with a milkman.""How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask."I found a crate of milk under the bed.""You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I"ve just found out the wife was having an affair with a fokkin horse!"The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?""I found a jockey hiding under the bed."
• Englishman on holiday in Texas.He wanders into a local shitkickers bar and has a good few beers.After a while, he notices there"s one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go.The barman not only says yes but grabs a mic and procedes to make a big show out of it. Englishman on a good ol" Texan bull, etc.The Englishman climbs on and the bull starts moving."No one"s ever made it past 5 minutes on their first try, Limey!" someone shouts.But the Englishman sails through the 5-minute mark. He blasts past 10 and 15 and even 20 minutes, still holding on just fine.The crowd is awestruck. He"s fast approaching the World Record.The barman cranks the bull up to 11 and it goes fucking apeshit. But the plucky Englishman hangs on in there.Eventually, after 45 minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to a halt. The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the sweating Englishman and shoves the mic in his face."Holy Goddam shit boy! You done broke the World Record by a clear 15 minutes! How"d you do that?"The Englishman replies, "Easy. My wife"s an epileptic. And if you can fuck her for 5 minutes, you can ride this bastard for an hour!"
• An Englishman stops Paddy for directions "Excuse me pal, what"s the quickest way to Dublin?" Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?" The Englishman says "In the car." Paddy replies "That"s the quickest!"
• An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys."There"s just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don"t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently."Um, excuse me," says the West Indian, "but I think it"s fairly obvious that this is my son."The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you"re coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I"m not prepared to take the risk."
• Four friends go on holiday to South Africa - one English, one American, one French and one Chinese. While out trekking in the countryside they find some gold in the ground. The Frenchman, a geologist, realises that they have stumbled across a rich seam, suitable for a new mine.The American happens to be a billionaire, so he buys the land with an arrangement that they split the profits four ways - The Englishman is an engineer, so is put in charge of extraction. The Chinese man is involved in import and export so is put in charge of supplies. The Frenchman is a manager, so is put in charge with overseeing the whole operation.A year later the American returns to see how his investment is going. First he goes to the main office to see how the Frenchman is doing."Well," he says, "we"re getting some gold out, but there seem to be some problems with the extraction. You"d better go down and see."So the American walks down to the mine, meets the Englishman emerging from the entrance and asks him how things are going."Well" he says, "my boys are fine, but the Chinese guy just isn"t pulling his weight. Go down there and you"ll see what I mean."So he walks down into the mine. After a couple of hundred yards it"s almost pitch black down there and he can"t see or hear anyone. All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pillar and shouts "Supplies!"
• An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"The Englishman says, "fucking shoot me first".
• An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn"t have to show it.""Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.Then he quietly explained."Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Sword Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn"t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to"
• Barclay"s are apparently "Fluent in Finance."Well, that"s fantastic. Its just a shame none of the fucking Indians that answer their phones are fluent in English.
• There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it."And the Englishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I"ll make another kissing noise and slap that French cunt again."
• Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!""What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!""Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s fucking amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!
• "American English" seems to be a term used more and more often these days.But why not just write "illiterate"?
• A classic, no doubt you"ve seen it before, but here goes:In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the AmericanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the FrenchmanHe has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the FrenchmanHe has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the FrenchmanHe has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the FrenchmanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
• Angus, a Scottish farmer, was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Gaelic, "Hey, don"t drink the water, friend, the sheep have got the runs!"The man turns round and says, "What did you say? I"m English, I don"t speak your stupid language!""Ach well!" shouts back the farmer. "I said "Use both hands, you"ll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!.....Gle mhath, a shassanach."
• Its really nice that there are some places where the White English Male can dominate. 100 years ago, in the days of the British Empire, it was a Quarter of the World, on which the sun never set. Now it"s an internet joke site that crashes several times a week. Still, better than nothing.
• Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'. The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'. Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....
• I was stood in the post office queue this morning waiting to be served when a Englishman a Scottsman and an Irishman pushed in front of me I said "Hoy f*@kers is this some sort of a joke?"