Elderly jokes

• My Grandad says his sex life is great. He says, since his girlfriend has been loosing her teeth, the blow-jobs have been fantastic...... May be a different story when her adult teeth start coming through though.
• When my grandfather was ill, my grandmother used to rub lard on his back.After that, he went downhill very quickly.
• An elderly man with Allzheimers walks into a bar and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.He walks over and sits beside her and says "do I come here often?"
• Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
• My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in "with a stick" - he just died first.
• An old man took his wife to the doctor"s. After a short examination the doctor said, "I"m afraid your wife"s mind has completely gone!".The old man replied, "I"m not surprised. She"s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 45 years."
• Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madam took one look at them and decided she wasn"t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put a doll in each man"s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said,"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned. How was it for you?"The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."The first man asked, "How"s that?""Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"
• What"s got 90 balls and likes to screws old women?Bingo!
• An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife"s hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there"s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I"ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.Henry was obviously hurt by his wife"s confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by "good reasons?""Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn"t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn"t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.""I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.""Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes...?"
• I"ve gone to church every sunday, but I"m not known as "The Christian". I"ve given to charity more than anyone in my town, but I"m not known as "The Charitable Man". I"ve helped elderly persons across the street, but I"m not known as "The Helping Hand". But one fucking sheep...