Egg jokes

• How do you make a Jewish Omelette?First you borrow 3 eggs....
• What are the worst things about being an egg?You only get laid once,you only get eaten once,you only get hard once,you come in a box with five other guysand the only chick to ever sit on your face is your mother.
• How many policemen does it take to smash an egg?None. It fell down the stairs.
• What came first, the chicken or the egg?...Neither.No-one came until the rooster did.
• What did one gay sperm say to the other?"How we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
• Isn"t it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
• Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."Ralph was stunned. "I"m dead? No, I can"t be! I"ve got too much to live for. Send me back!"St. Peter said, "I"m sorry, but there"s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.A rooster strolled past. "So, you"re the new hen, huh? How"s your first day here?""Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I"m gonna explode!""You"re ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don"t tell me you"ve never laid an egg before." "Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It"s no big deal."Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You"re shitting in the bed!"
• A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley said, "My father"s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."What"s the moral of the story?" asked the teacher."Don"t put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said."Very good," the teacher replied.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had adozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don"t count your chickens before they"rehatched".""That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?""Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn"t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.""Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?""Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she"s been drinking."
• What"s the difference between an Emperor penguin and Gerry McCann?An Emperor penguin doesn"t leave his egg to spend three hours throwing cheap wine down his neck in a local bistro on the pretence he can still see the vague area the egg was left in.
• Two eggs got married. On the wedding night, Mr Egg is lying in bed, when out of the bathroom comes Mrs Egg. She says, "I"ve just slipped into something a bit more comfortable", she is wearing a see-through bra and panties.Upon seeing this, Mr Egg says, "Right, I"d better go and slip into something more comfy too."When he comes out of the bathroom he is wearing a crash helmet. Mrs Egg says, "What the fuck are you wearing a stupid crash helmet for?"And Mr Egg says, "The last time I was this hard, some bastard hit me over the head with a fucking spoon."
• A bloke keeps chickens and one day an egg rolls out of the chicken run and onto his Pakistani neighbours garden.The Pakistani guy picks it up and says, "this is my egg now."The Chicken owner says, "I think you will find it"s actually mine.""No, it"s on my land therefore it"s mine," says the Pakistani guy."In England, when we have a dispute over something, we perform a little ritual," says the owner."What"s that then?" asks the Pakistani."We take it in turns to kick each other in the bollocks and the first one to go down loses, and as it"s my egg I get to go first.""Okay, let"s go for it."The Pakistani braces himself whilst the English guy takes a long run and then gives him one almighty kick right in the gonads.With tears in his eyes and his legs seriously shaking, the Pakistani guy manages to compose himself and in a very high pitched voice says, "okay, I didn"t go down, it"s my turn now."The English guy replies, "fuck it - you can keep it."
• A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."
• What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?"Don"t touch my fucking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."
• Which of the following doesn"t belong?1)Wife 2)Meat, 3)Eggs, 4)Blow jobA: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can"t beat a blow job.
• Why do Alzheimer"s patients love easter so much?They can hide their own eggs!
• Ham and Eggs: A day"s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig
• Sue had been married to Frank for 20 years.One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and £5.000. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband about it."Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn"t so bad."But what about the £5000?""Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
• Q: Spot the odd one out: eggs, wife, meat, a good blowjob?A: A good blowjob. You can beat your meat, beat your wife, and beat your eggsbut you just can"t beat a good blowjob.
• A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks "Can you fry eggs". "Can I fry eggs! I"ve worked in some of the top hotels in England" replies the bloke... "Give me half a dozen." So he"s given six eggs which he starts to juggle with. After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. "That"s amazing," says the interviewer "but it must have been a fluke." "A fluke! Give me a dozen" says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there"s now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan. "Well then do I get the job" "No, you piss about too much!!"