Drunk jokes

• Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick"s Day.Mick, the bartender says, "You"ll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy."Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I"ll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shit!"He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he"ll be fine.He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face."Bi"Jesus... I"m fockin" focked," he says.He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin" way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin" pissed. But how"d you know?""Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"
• A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?""No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?""No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
• I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.He said, "Where do you think you"re going in that state?"I replied, "I"m going to a lecture."He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?""My wife," I said.
• A drunk stumbles out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I"m Jesus Christ."The first priest says, "No, son, I"m Jesus Christ."So the drunk says it to the second priest.The second priest replies, "No, son, I"m Jesus Christ."The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the priests and the bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you"re here again?"
• A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0."This thing must be broken," the cop says.The man responds, "nope, tonight I"m the designated decoy!"
• Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."Ralph was stunned. "I"m dead? No, I can"t be! I"ve got too much to live for. Send me back!"St. Peter said, "I"m sorry, but there"s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.A rooster strolled past. "So, you"re the new hen, huh? How"s your first day here?""Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I"m gonna explode!""You"re ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don"t tell me you"ve never laid an egg before." "Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It"s no big deal."Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You"re shitting in the bed!"
• These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I"ve shagged your Mum."The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar.Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "your Mum has sucked my penis."The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar.After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "I"ve had your Mum up the arse."By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "look, Dad, you"re pissed. Now fuck off home."
• During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I"d like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That"s fine, but we"re in the middle of the Depression, so I"ll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can"t believe what he"s seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I"m a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There"s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I"ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I"ll give you another chance. I"ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you"re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I"ll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That"s how I win so much money, bartender. I"ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I"ll give you one last chance. I"ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn"t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you"re on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That"s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
• An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips his flies and starts pissing into the town fountain. A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."The Irishman shoves his cock back in his trousers and zips up. The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing."What"s so funny?" asked the cop."Fooled you," says the Irishman, "I may have put it away but I didn"t stop."
• A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed."What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You"re 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth."What happened?", he asked."Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!""Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?""Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?""Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
• HOW TO TURK A COOKEY: First, buy the turkey and a bottle of whiskey. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and put the turkey in the oven. ... Take another 2 drinks of whiskey, and set the degree at 375 ovens. Have 3 more whiskeys of drink and turn the oven on. Take 4 whisks of drinky and turk the bastey. Park Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours, take the oven out of the turkey, and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of turkey. Now just tet the sable, and turk the carvey! yur vari walcum!! :-)) hic!