Driving jokes

• What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?..Second gear.
• I nearly hit a cat driving my car today.Who the fuck taught a cat to drive?
• These so-called speed bumps are a joke.If anything they slow you down!
• I"d just like to thank all those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the road. It really brightens up my drive to work.
• A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."
• Two chavs are in a car, and no music is playing. Who"s driving? The police.
• A man is driving down a main road when he sees a blue light in the rear view mirror, and hears the police siren. He pulls over.The traffic cop comes up to his window and says, "Excuse me, sir, but are you aware that when you went round that roundabout back there, your wife fell out of the passenger door?"The man says, "Thank God for that! I thought I"d gone deaf!"
• Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving.He was given six months but the police don"t think he will finish his sentence.
• "Flat tyre?""Yeah.""What happened?""Ran over a milk bottle.""Didn"t see it?""Damn kid had it under his coat."
• My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?" I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That"s not a crossroads, you silly cow, that"s a T-Junction"