Driver jokes

• How come a securicor cash delivery van carrying maybe Ý£70,000 is armoured with plated steel and the driver wears a stab proof vest and a protective helmet, when a fuel tanker driver carrying petrol worth Ý£200,000 has nothing to defend himself with apart from a rolled up porno mag.
• My Grandfather was a train driver for many years.During his career he got millions to their destination on time.Oh yes the train to Auschwitz station was never late,thanks to Grandad.
• A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem Officer?"The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I"d give it to you but I don"t have one.""You don"t have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I"m sorry, I can"t do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car."The officer says, "Stole it?"The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?""She"s in the boot if you want to see."The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn"t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
• "Flat tyre?""Yeah.""What happened?""Ran over a milk bottle.""Didn"t see it?""Damn kid had it under his coat."
• Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn"t - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily."What happened?" asked Posh ."Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.""My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.The driver replied: "I"m Victoria Beckham"s driver, and I just killed the cow."
• A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I"m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!""Sorry. I didn"t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says."It"s not your fault," replies the cabbie."Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
• A copper in London pulled over a driver who"d been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor"s note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."The officer said, "OK then; I need you to come and give a blood sample."The man produced another letter. This one read: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."So the officer said, "Right, I need a urine sample then."The man produced a third letter from his pocket.It read, "This man is an American. Please don"t take the piss out of him."
• A couple was going out for the evening. They"d gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don"t want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He"s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
• One day a bus driver was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and said: "Big John doesn"t pay", and took his seat on the bus. The bus driver was only a little man and he didn"t want to argue. This happened for several days. After a week , the bus driver was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man? So the driver went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn"t want to get frightened of Big John any more. Three weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit. At the usual stop, Big John got on. "Big John doesn"t pay", he said. But this time the driver was prepared for him. He got up and said : "Oh, yeah? And why doesn"t Big John pay?" "Because Big John has got a bus pass" , the man replied.
• I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out of the window and gave the woman the finger."Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here"s why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That"s 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That"s 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That"s 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That"s 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That"s 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That"s 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Give her the finger? I don"t think so.