Drinking jokes

• Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?He was caught drinking on the job.
• How many men does it take to open a can of beer?None. It should already be open when the bitch brings it to you.
• In Britain, some 50 chavs die every week from drinking too much Tesco-brand vodka.Every little helps!
• When David Beckham scores I drink BECKS. When Paul Scholes scores I drink SKOL. When Tommy Miller scores I drink Millers. Thank GOD David Seaman was a goalie!
• A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he"s drinking.He says, "Magic beer. You want one?""Aw, that"s stupid. There"s no such thing" she says."Look, I"ll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window."That"s incredible! I don"t believe it!" she says."Hey barkeep, throw me another one o" them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again."Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.The bartender says, "Superman, you"re a real bastard when you"re drunk."
• A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0."This thing must be broken," the cop says.The man responds, "nope, tonight I"m the designated decoy!"
• People are now suing companies like Benson and Hedges because smoking has caused them cancer, Nestle for chocolate that"s made them fat, and more recently McDonald"s because a coffee was served up too hot!So now I"m thinking... I wonder if I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly blokes I"ve slept with?
• Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
• A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley said, "My father"s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."What"s the moral of the story?" asked the teacher."Don"t put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said."Very good," the teacher replied.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had adozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don"t count your chickens before they"rehatched".""That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?""Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn"t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.""Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?""Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she"s been drinking."
• Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don"t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we"ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late." His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you"re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say "WHO"S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she"s sound asleep! Works every time!"
• A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
• My friends don"t understand why I"ve given up boozing. I"ve told them it"s because I want to feel more motivated. I mean, Hitler was teetotal and look at what he achieved.