Drink jokes

• Financial Advice in these dark times.If you had purchased $1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would now be worth $4.95.With HBOS, earlier this week, your $1000 would have been worth $16.50. $1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than $5. But if you bought $1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminum recycling plant, you would get $214. So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
• What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink?Allah Vabeer
• The "Bishop" came to our church today. He was a fucking impostor. Never once moved diagonally
• I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who"s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?”“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
• A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?""No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?""No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
• Amir Khan last night proved that Muslims don"t drink, when he failed to get a round in.
• It"s my mate"s birthday today. He doesn"t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus.We"ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
• A man walks into a bar and orders ten double whiskies, downs "em in one.The barman says, "what"s up?"The man replies, "my youngest son"s just told me that he"s gay."The next day, the same man goes in and orders fifteen double whiskies."What"s up now?" asks the barman."I just found out my eldest son is gay," he replies.The next day he goes in and orders twenty whiskies."Fuck me!" says the barman, "does no one in your family like pussy?""Yes," he replies. "My wife, apparently."
• I turned to the wife the other night and said "I"m going down the pub, get your coat""Thats nice, you gonna buy me a drink?" she asked."No, I"m turning the heating off"
• It"s now official, beer is cheaper than fuel.So this summer: "Drink, Don"t Drive"
• A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to Sydney, Australia.After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I"d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn"t know we had a choice."