- Just woke up on the sofa with the mother of all headaches.Must have picked up the wrong fucking glass!
- Skimpy black dress: £60Sparkly shoes: £80Expensive make-up: £45Nightclub ticket: £10Seeing the look on her face as she wakes up in a filthy flat, covered in semen, you next to her with a massive grin on your face - priceless.There are some things money can"t buy - in which case, use ROHYPNOL.
- My wife said she thought it would be very romantic if when she dies, she could be buried in her wedding dress.I said,"You"d better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease then".
- When a woman wears a leather dress,a man"s heart beats quicker,and his throat gets dry,he goes weak in the knees,and he begins to think irrationally,EVER WONDERED WHY???BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW CAR!!!
- What"s the quickest way to get a Muslim woman pregnant?Dress her up as a goat!
- Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion. The first one turns up in a dress.Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?""I"m in distress, mon," he replied.The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?""I"m in despair, mon," he replied.Shortly after, the third Jamaican guy turns up, stark naked with his cock in a bowl of custard.Completely confused, the host asks, "what the hell are you supposed to be?"He replies, "I"m fucking disgusted, mon."
- What"s a dead epileptic and Dawn French"s wedding dress got in common?Neither of them fit any more.
- One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don"t know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He"ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he"ll rip off your dress and you"ll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
- Stanislaw asked Pawel how he got his black eye."You"d never believe it," said Pawel, "but I got it in church."He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom."All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Pawel.A week later Stanislaw was surprised to see Pawel had another black eye."I got this one in church, too," explained Pawel.He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom."My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn"t like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."