- 90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... like in a sandwich or something.
- My wife and I are inseparable.The other night it took six policemen and two dogs to pull us apart
- Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs.How many cats do you see sat by a homeless person?
- Why do dogs lick their balls?Because they can.
- Scientific evidence suggests that feeding chocolate to dogs is highly dangerous and must be avoided. From experience, I can say that this is true from what happened to my own dog.He choked on a rolo.
- What is it with blind people and walking their dogs?
- Following the shocking news that Jade Goody has cancer there has been a plea for suitable donors of Bone Marrow to come forward, as this could save her life.Alternatively, you could just donate it it to my dog- he is a bit peckish.Please, make the right choice.
- What has four legs and one arm? A doberman in a playground.
- What do you call a dog with one leg?Heather.
- Ive just been down my garden and was shocked to see my dog fucking a cabbage...silly little bastard must of thought it was a collie!!
- My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club.
- September 11th 2001 was a very sad day for me. My dog died, I was fired from work and my Wife left me.On a brighter note, there was some good stuff on the telly that day.
- What do you call a black bitch with four dogs?The Spice Girls
- According to reports on the BBC (and in the Daily Star) today many new migrants and asylum seekers are objecting to the large number of dogs, especially fighting dogs, owned by members of the British public. Many of these migrants are from countries where dogs are considered pests, not pets, and a they find them dangerous and intimidating.I must admit, I generally agree. I think we should get rid of the lot of them; they are smelly, eat any old rubbish and shit everywhere, they are dirty, of little practical use, can be loud and irritaing and simply get in the way when you are going about your business in town centres. Oh - and they also complain about our dogs.
- A dog is truly a man"s best friend.If you don"t believe it, just try this experiment.Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
- I was walking down a street in Brixton late last night, when suddenly I saw another bloke bashing two dustbin lids together. "What are you doing mate?" I asked. "Oh, I"m calling my dog," he replied. So I said, "why don"t you shout his name then?""Bollocks to that, if you think I"m going to shout "Blackie" around here at this time of night..."
- If you"re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,go on a little seesaw,or jump through a hoop of fire. They"re trained for that
- Don"t know why Heather Mills wanted all that money - she"s only going to spend it on handbags and shoe.
- A man takes his rottweiler to the vet."Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he"s cross-eyed".So the vet picks up the dog and examines him."I"m going to have to put him down," says the vet."Why, just because he"s cross eyed?""No," says the vet, "because he"s heavy!"
- An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he"ll have a little fun.Ventriloquist: "G"day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"Kiwi: "The dog doesn"t talk, you stupid Aussie."Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how"s it going old mate?"Dog: "Doin" alright."The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.Dog: "Yep."Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn"t change.Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn"t talk either...I think."Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how"s it going?"Horse: "Cool."The Kiwi gets even more shocked.Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"Horse: "Yep."Ventriloquist: "How"s he treat you?"Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep"s a liar."
- A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I"d like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don"t hire dogs, why don"t you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What the fuck would the circus want with a plumber?"
- A woman goes to her boyfriend"s parents" house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn"t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend"s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women"s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn"t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!"Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn"t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"
- Torrential rain has been hampering relief efforts in the Chinese earthquake zone....Luckily for survivors, it"s been raining cats and dogs.
- Apparently, Muslims aren"t permitted to keep dogs as pets as they"re considered "unclean".Good thinking from the dogs, there...
- I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make. I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with my best friend.Now, I can"t even bring myself to talk to him.To be honest, I don"t even want to play fetch with him
- A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncleFor the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things; chickens, cows, crops, etc. however, it"s obvious the nephew is getting bored so the uncle suggests he goes on a hunt."Why don"t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"This cheers up the nephew and off he goes with the dogs in trail.after a few hours, the nephew returns "Did you enjoy it?" asks the uncle"It was great! got any more dogs?"
- I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn"t because I"d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I"d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I"d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I"d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?
- What is the most common dog"s name in China?Dinner.
- Two Corgis at Clarence House after the Queen Mother died, and one says to the other "I"m pleased the old girl"s dead...We won"t get blamed for pissing on the sofa any more!"
- Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?
- Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: ... Right where you left him.
- Two fellas walking down the street come across a dog licking it's balls. One says to the other "Cor I wish I could do that!" The other replied "Wouldn't you just rather stroke him instead?"
- Two fellas walking down the street come across a dog licking it's balls. One says to the other "Cor I wish I could do that!" The other replied "Give him a bone and he might just let you."
- Q: How do you stop a dog humping your leg? ... A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
- Two men are sitting on a park bench watching a dog lick it's balls.
"Man, I wish I could do that" says the first one.
"Nah, it'll probably growl" replies the second.