Doctor jokes

• My doctor told me to stay well away from LSD. So I bought a 12 foot straw.
• A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery. One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt. The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments. After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead. "What happened?" demands a doctor... "Dunno, reckon she mighta choked," comes the reply.
• A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny"s mother says, "Let"s not be too harsh on them... they"re bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary"s mother. "He"s taken her fucking appendix out!"
• A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I"ve got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I"m afraid I"m going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
• "Won"t you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman."No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor."Please just one kiss," begs the woman."It"s completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn"t even really be having sex with you."
• My doctor reckons I"m paranoid.He didn"t say it, but I know he"s thinking it.
• A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states; "Well, I can tell you that you"ll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time." "Am I pregnant?" she gasped. "That is wonderful news!" "I"m afraid not," replied the doctor, "you have bowel cancer."
• The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn"t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men"s clothing store & thought, "That"s what I need - a new suit."He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I"d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let"s see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let"s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe"s feet and said, "Let"s see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe"s waist and said, "Let"s see... size 36."Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I"ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can"t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
• An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor"s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There"s something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "you shouldn"t come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "you"ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "yes?" "There"s something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with you ear, Sir?" "I can"t piss out of it," the man replied.
• Doctor: It"s bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer"s. Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don"t have cancer.
• A little boy goes to see the doctor with a problem. He said to the doctor, "Doctor, I was in the showers with all the other boys, and my penis looked different to all of theirs, why is that?"The doctor replies, "I don"t know, I"m going to have to have a look, now you can go behind that curtain to get undressed."The little boy comes out and says, "Where shall I put my clothes?"The doctor replies, "just over there, next to mine."
• A man visits the doctor. Patient: 'Doctor, what a small office you have!' Doctor: 'Go away, I'm taking a shit!'
• Knock Knock - Who's there? The interrupting doctor - The interrupting doc- You have cancer!