Divorce jokes

• 100% of divorces occur due to marriage.
• I lost 250 pounds in one day.I divorced her.
• Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!Wife - Do you want me to leave?Husband - No! Don"t even think about it.Wife - Do you love me?Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?Husband - No! Why are you even asking?Wife - Will you kiss me?Husband - Every chance I get!Wife - Will you hit me?Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!Wife - Can I trust you?Husband - Yes.Wife - Darling!AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
• How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn"t have to do the bloke"s future housework?
• Me and my wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph. She looks over at me and says, "I know we"ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." I say nothing but slowly increase the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don"t want you to try to talk me out of it, I"ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he"s a much better lover than you." Again I stay quiet and just speed up as my anger increases.She says, "I want the house." I speed up again, and I"m now doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." I just keep driving faster and faster, now up to 80mph. She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too." I slowly start to veer toward a concrete bridge pillar as she enquires, "Is there anything you want?"So I respond with, "no thanks, I"ve got everything I need." She asks, "what"s that then?"Just before we hit the wall at 90 mph I say, "I"ve got the airbag."
• "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week." "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself!".
• Just remember, there are two sides to every divorce:Yours and shithead"s.
• "Before I come to a decision on these divorce proceedings, does anyone wish to speak?" asked the Judge.The lawyer for the husband stood up and replied,"M"lud, may I just bring to your attention once again, that what my client did was out of chivalry. Since when was it wrong to open a door for a lady?""I"m not disputing a chivalrous act," replied the Judge," but I think you"re overlooking the fact that the car was travelling at 70 mph at the time."
• What"s better than having £24m?Having two legs.
• A Match Made in Heaven...On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven"s Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don"t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn"t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don"t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What"s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it"s going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
• A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"The lawyer said, "No, you don"t understand, Do you have a suit?"The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain"t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that"s where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"The farmer said, "No, she"s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that"s why I wants me a fackin" dayvorce."
• Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. "That's very generous and fair of you, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."