Dinner jokes

• A friend of mine is a chess player. We went out for dinner the other day, the table had a check tablecloth on it. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him two hours.
• The strangest thing happened to me the other night. I put my dinner in the oven and left it a while before going back to check on it. When I opened the oven door, it had gone. Tray, food the lot. Starving, I went to my uncles house and went upstairs. There under his bed was my dinner.Last time I buy Matthews Turkey Roast.*Yes, this is a piss take on the McCann Oven Chips joke.*-------------------------------And your smart arse remark just cost you a point off all your jokes-------------------------------Ooooh, get you. Knobhead.
• My wife suggested I take her out one nightUnfortunately, she meant for dinner.
• I had a candlelit dinner the other night.Everything was really undercooked.
• Wife comes home from doing the shopping one day and sees her husband sitting on the sofa with a hairdryer blowing on his cock.The wife asks, "What the hell are you doing?"The husband replies, "Just heating up your dinner!"
• Three couples are having dinner together. The first husband says to his wife, "pass me the sugar, sugar."Not to be outdone, the second husband says, "could you pass me the honey,honey?"Most impressed by these clever endearments, the third husband leans over to his wife and says, "pass me the pork, pig."
• My wife insisted I stopped wanking."Why?" I asked. "It"s perfectly natural."She hissed back; "The kids are trying to eat their dinner."
• What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital?The dishes and dinner if she"s got any sense.
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked me, "How many potatoes would you like?""Oh, I"ll just have one, please."She said, "It"s OK, you don"t have to be polite.""All right," I said, "I"ll just have one then, you stupid bitch."
• What was Michelle McManus" favourite musical instrument at school?The dinner bell.
• A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something."That"s a huge fucker you"ve got there father," says the friend."Watch your language around a man of God," replies the Priest.A little embarassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a "fucker".The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the "fucker"."I"ll clean the fucker and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round."So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he"ll cook the "fucker" for the Pope tonight.The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, "I caught the fucker!"The Bishop cries, "I cleaned the fucker!"And the Cardinal continues, "I cooked the fucker!"The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, "You know, you cunts are alright."
• A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I"m in deep trouble now!"Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what"s going to happen to that conniving canine."Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn"t seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....................."Where"s that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
• I was talking to my grandad about martial arts yesterday , and I asked him if he knew where the word "Kung fu" came from. Grandad said, "my old school playground."So I asked, "how is that, then?"And grandad said, "during school dinner break, I once threw a brick at a Chinese lad and it hit him right on the back of the head and he turned and screamed, "Wot Kung fu dat?""