Dildo jokes
- Little Miss Muffet,Wanked on her tuffet,With a dildo the size of her arm.Along came a nigger,With a cock much bigger,And did her some permanant harm.
- Anagrams.....ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters it becomesTWELVE PLUS ONEDESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters it becomesA ROPE ENDS ITDAVID GINOLA:When you rearrange the letters it becomesVAGINA DILDO
- Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"
- A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son"s innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don"t worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I"m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
- A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.Unfortunately he"s having some trouble with squatters.
- A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn"t really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband"s quirks.Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo. "How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn"t get upset.""Shouldn"t get upset? how can you possibly explain this?""Ok, tell you what. I"ll explain this, if you explain the children."
- A bloke starts a new job in a sex shop. His boss has to go on an errand, so leaves our man in charge of the shop floor for a while.A black woman comes in and starts browsing the dildoes."May I be of assistance, madam?" enquires the bloke."Yes - how much are your dildoes?" replies she."They"re all 35.""In that case I"ll have a white one. I"ve never had a white one before."As she leaves with her purchase, in comes a white woman, who asks the same question and gets the same answer."I"ll buy a black one," she says, "I"ve never had a black one before."Then in comes a chav woman."Oiw, ow much are yee dildoes?""35 for the white, 35 for the black.""Ah okay. Ow much is tha tartan one on the shelf?""That"s a very special dildo, madam. It"s 165.""I"ll ave it," says the chav, and she leaves with her purchase.The boss then returns and asks our man how he did. "Pretty damn well," is the reply, "I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your Thermos for 165 quid."
- A little old lady goes into a sex shop, shaking like she has Parkinson"s walks up to the counter and says to the assistant,"Young maaaan, have you got a viiiibraaaatoor?"He"s a bit taken aback and not sure if her heard her correctly because of her shaky voice, but he picks out a modest-sized model and places it on the counter."Nooooo, nooooo, bigger than thaaat"So he brings her the next size up."Noooooo, noooo, bigger than thaaaat"This happens a few times until finally he places the biggest vibrator in the entire shop on the counter. It"s eighteen inches long with a girth that would make even Jenna Jameson"s eyes water."Yeeeees, yeeeees, thaaaat"s the one. Hoooow do you tuuuurn it off?"
- A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn"t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. "Well, I don"t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don"t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ❦" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C"mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don"t usually mention this, but there is the "voodoo dildo,"" the old man said. "The voodoo dildo?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven"t seen what it"ll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door." The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dildo, box!" The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless. The businessman said, "I"ll take it!" The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dildo, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he"d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said "Voodoo dildo, my pussy!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she"d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she"d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she"d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn"t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn"t stop screwing her.The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my arse!"
- I wonder if the person who invented vibrators was ever inspired by ghostly voices chanting "If you build it.. they will come."
