Diet jokes

• I am on a gin and tonic diet,so far I have lost three days.
• A balanced American diet is when every McNugget weighs the same.
• My wife is a light eater. As soon as it"s light, she starts eating.
• I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn"t help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically."Why are you so happy?" I asked."My wife"s been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she"s lost 5 pounds." the man replied."What"s so funny about that?" I asked."Well," he says "I"ve worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"
• A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.The Doctor performs some tests and says, "I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we"re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.""Will that cure me?" asks the man."No," says the Doctor, "it"s the only food we can pass under the fucking door!"
• I smothered my Girlfriend in chocolate earlier and spent a good half hour licking it off.Just because the fat bitch is on a diet doesn"t mean I can"t still enjoy myself.