Died jokes

• What did Kermit The Frog say when Jim Henson died?Fuck All!
• My mate died after fucking an inmate at the psychiatric hospital where he worked.Turns out he had a serious nut allergy.
• My hamster died today.......silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel!!
• My girlfriend died because of her beliefs.She believed she could say no to anal sex.
• My uncle died the other day. He was a deck chair attendant.Took the fuckers five attempts before they got him in the coffin.
• A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They"re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make them all ugly again."
• A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses" wife instead. "I"m afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I"VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
• Me old Gran died this morning God bless her.Still, at over 90 she"d had a good innings and she chose a pleasant way to go.She just sat down in a chair, relaxed, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.She didn"t wake up again.Mind you, she caused fucking havoc in that dental practice!
• A Teacher Asks Little Johnny What He Did Over The Weekend "My Cat Died" Exclaimed Johnny "I Knew He Was Dead Cos I Pissed In His Ear" , The Teacher Says "You Did What!?", And Johnny Says "I Leant Over And Went "Psst", And The Little Fucker Didn"t Move!"
• Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?""He"s a doctor, miss.""Joe, what does your dad do?"He"s a pilot, miss.""Billy, what"s your dad do?""My dad"s dead, miss.""Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?""He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."