Die jokes

• I would die for my country...Unlike the French...Who would dye their flag white for their country.
• Places I want to go before I die:1) The hospital
• Why did the Olympic fencer die?There was a chink in his armour.
• If only the good die young, does that make everyone over 50 a twat?
• I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke:What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?Throw in your washing.The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that"s disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
• Almost all serial killers are men. That"s because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
• As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I"m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
• Cunt is a beautiful word, and if god hadn"t wanted us to use it, he wouldn"t have created Calum Best.
• I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation. She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different.""So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimedI said, "you"re not listening are you.....?"
• Hit me at 30, and there"s an 80% chance I"ll live.Hit me at 40 and there"s an 80% chance I"ll die.Please hit me at 50 where there is a 100% chance I"ll be rid of these fucking annoying adverts!
• Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do Father."The priest said, "then stand over there against the wall."Then the priest asked the second man, "do you want to go to heaven?"Certainly, Father," was the man"s reply."Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O"Toole and said, "do you want to go to heaven?O"Toole said, "No, I don"t Father."The priest said, "I don"t believe this. You mean to tell me that, when you die, you don"t want to go to heaven?"O"Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."