Death jokes

• My wife said she can do anything twice as well as me.So I donated a kidney.
• NEWSFLASH!Emergency services have removed 32 dead Pakistanis from a house in Bradford.It is not believed that there are any links to terrorist groups.Early indications are that a bunk bed collapsed.
• A recent survey found that Africa was in fact the happiest continent to live in.Everyone there seemed positive.
• Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?Society.
• Did you hear about the 9 year old African boy?He was going through a mid-life crisis.
• Why did Hitler commit suicide?He got the gas bill.
• Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking stop it then!"
• I"d just like to thank all those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the road. It really brightens up my drive to work.
• I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you"re next."They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
• The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......Apparently they"ve found some copper in Snowdonia.
• Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day,His teacher demands, "where were you yesterday?""I"m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny."Oh,I"m sorry,I hope it wasn"t serious," says the teacher.To which Johnny replies, "well, they don"t fuck about at the crematorium."
• Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.No one knows for sure how old he was, as his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Paracetamol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.He began to lose the will to live as churches became businesses; creationism vied for equal footing with proper science, alternative treatments became available on the NHS (while cancer drugs were banned) and criminals received better treatment than their victims.The poor bloke took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.He finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.Barely recovering from that he was bludgeoned to death by the news that the world"s financial markets had been demolished by irresponsible bankers who made a fortune doing so and who the governments bailed out by demanding money from those wise enough to have adopted sensible fiscal policies.This grand old man was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.He is survived by four stepbrothers; "I Know My Rights," "Someone Else"s Problem," "I’m A Victim" and "Work? I"m better off on the Dole," and his stepsisters; "Gymslip Mother" and "I"ll have a baby and they"ll give me a house."Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.