Daughter jokes

• My daughter was moaning at me again yesterday. She always does that when I rub her clit.
• Our 15 year old daughter has been diagnosed with breast cancer.But, on the upside, our 13 year old is developing a nice pair.
• My daughter had a charades party for her birthday.After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads.It would seem, that holding my cock and wanking, furiously, while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary glitter.
• Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy"s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da" sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!""I"ll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what"s the use of fookin" one?"
• Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night.She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn"t very sexy.
• A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor. After several hours in the waiting room, (NHS...) they"re called in."Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control.""Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be sexually active!""Sexually active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"
• I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who"s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?”“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
• A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from? ""Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled. "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy"s vagina. That"s how you get a baby, honey."The daughter replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy"s room you had daddy"s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?""Jewellery, dear."
• A 13-year-old Belgian girl wrote to the advice column of a teenager"s magazine: "I am 13 years old and I"m the only virgin in the class. Is my Dad queer?"
• One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to bewhen he grows older?"The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
• I was at a family gathering and I had a shocking realisation. I saw my mother-in-law, and it hit me - in 25 years time, that"s what my wife will look like. But it wasn"t all bad - it occured to me that, in 25 years, our young daughter will probably look like my wife does now - so there is always that option.
• This political correctness has gone mad. I can"t even refer to my child as "my disabled son". Apparently the correct term these days is "daughter".