Dating jokes

• Up until recently I was dating this girl with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.
• How many spastics does it take to change a lightbulb?Fuck knows. The first one smashed it on his forehead...
• What do spastics call their goldfish?Mnnnnnghghghg nummmnuuhhhh!
• It is just me or do spastics never stop moaning?
• Gary Glitters got the right idea. Fuck a 3-course dinner with a few bottles of Pinot grigio, it don’t get much cheaper than a bag of Monster Munch.
• I was arrested after a speed dating session.Apparently, going up to a table, bending a girl over it, then taking her up the arse is not their idea of speed.
• I joined an internet dating site. My first date was with a girl at a hospital. When I went to meet her, she said, "I don"t know if the website told you but I only have a few weeks to live."So I said to her, "I don"t know if the website told you, but I was only looking for a short-term relationship!"
• I"ve recently started dating a girl, though she"s not from the UK. I find it adorable the way she stumbles around even the most basic English words, mispronounces words in a way which sounds ridiculous, and when she does get things right her accent makes it incredibly cute. I"d recommend dating an American to anyone!
• A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service,The man sits down and says, "I"ve only got three questions.""OK," replies the woman.He asks, "do you like to clean?"She says, "I love cleaning."He asks, "do you like to cook?"She says, "I love cooking."He says, "Fantastic, But i have one last question.Do you like sex?"She says, "I like it infrequently."He says, "is that one word or two?"
• I was set up on a blind date and after a few drinks it was going pretty well, as we were leaving the bar she turned to me a wispered "i want you to come back to mine and shag me over and over again, the most anyone has managed has managed in the past is 15 times, i want you to try and beat that!" .........thank fuck i brought my 16 mates in the back of my van round the corner to show her a good night
• I haven"t been having much luck with the ladies lately so I thought I"d try one of those nude dating sites.Fuck me! After the first minute I"d already pulled 150 times!
• A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she"s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it"s like for her. "So," says the mom, "now that you have started dating, what"s it like getting intimate with young men?" "Oh, you know how it is," replies the daughter. "Boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn"t working for me." "How?" asks mom. "Oh, stuff...." says daughter. "Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters," continues mom. "I don"t know," answers the daughter. "Now don"t forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me," says mom. "OK," says the reluctant daughter. "For starters, how do you get their cum out of your hair?"
• You were in the arrivals bar in Birmingham airport. You have long dark hair and were wearing a grey short sleeved dress. You were waiting on your friend and I was waiting to see if my luggage would ever materialise. We shared a drink and spent about a half hour in each others company. I was drinking a pint of Carling and you were drinking vodka and coke. I will never forget your eyes they were piercing in their intensity and I just regret not telling you. I went to the toilet and you kept an eye on my laptop.I have been thinking about you ever since and can"t seem to shake your image from my head. I really think that we made a connection.If this is you is there any chance that I could get my laptop back?