Date jokes

• How do you know when a date is going badly?When you spike your own drink with rohypnol.
• Did you hear about when they made K Y Jelly millenium compliant?It allowed you to safely insert four digits in your date!
• What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?Slow
• The wife was shouting at me the other day"You never take me out!!!" she yelled!I said "I do, I took you out on sunday and you fuckin spoiled it!! You kept dropping my fuckin golf bag!!!"
• One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to bewhen he grows older?"The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
• A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won"t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I"m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I"m a graduate student in psychology and I"m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"
• Stephen Hawking went on a date last night. She left after 15 minutes complaining that she didn"t like his tone.
• I"m so shit in bed I give women rohypnol after sex so they can"t tell anyone.
• What"s the difference between necrophilia and date rape?Just the body temperature......
• Wife: Honey..... What are you looking for? Husband: Nothing. Wife: Nothing...?? You"ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour..?? Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.
• There once was a farmer who had three daughters who were all going out on their first dates on the same night. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decides to meet their suiters at the front door with a shotgun. The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says"Hi my name"s Joe,I"m here for Flo.We"re going to the show.Is she ready to go?"The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.Next lad arrives"My name"s Eddie,I"m here for Betty.We"re going to get some spaghetti.Is she ready?"The father felt this bloke was okay too so off the kids went.The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up. The boy started off"Hi my name"s Chuck"And the farmer shot him.
• I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she"d popped her clogs.