Dad jokes

• My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my dad.
• My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it is your last.That is why for the past 17 years he has been in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.
• My dad recently died of asbestos poisoning.It took fucking ages to cremate him...
• For years I thought my dad suffered from Tourettes.Turns out he just thought I was a fucking cunt.
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day,His teacher demands, "where were you yesterday?""I"m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny."Oh,I"m sorry,I hope it wasn"t serious," says the teacher.To which Johnny replies, "well, they don"t fuck about at the crematorium."
• A 13-year-old Belgian girl wrote to the advice column of a teenager"s magazine: "I am 13 years old and I"m the only virgin in the class. Is my Dad queer?"
• My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college. He said,"Son, in college you"re going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you some things from the chemist.""Dad," I said, "I have condoms."And he said, "you won"t need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
• Boy asks his mum, "is it wrong to have a willy?""No,why?" she asks."Well, Dad"s sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off!"
• A half Jewish, half black Kid asks his Mom"Mom, am I mostly Jewish or mostly black?""That"s a dumb question" she replies "Go bother your Dad, already"Off he goes - "Dad, would you say I"m mostly Jewish or mostly black?""You"re just you, son, why are you asking dumb-ass questions like that?""Well, my friend"s selling his bike for 50 bucks and I don"t know whether to Jew him down to 25 or just wait until dark and steal the fucker"
• A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn"t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you"re not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I"ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.""You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
• Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?They know Jewish women can"t resist anything with 10% off.
• These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I"ve shagged your Mum."The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar.Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "your Mum has sucked my penis."The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar.After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "I"ve had your Mum up the arse."By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "look, Dad, you"re pissed. Now fuck off home."