Cunt jokes

• Why are cigarettes like Pikeys?They smell to high heaven, come in packs of 20 and are barred out of every pub in England.
• What is the difference between a 69 and a Paki wedding?With a 69 you only have to kiss one smelly cunt.
• If you are what you eat, does that mean Americans eat fat cunts?
• Fucking Muslim hypocrites.They always go on about how gambling is strictly prohibited, but they all go to Mecca at least once.
• I live my life by the stars.So I adopted a child from Africa, called him a stupid name, had a breakdown, then joined the Church of Scientology.
• Like ThisHow do you confuse an American?
• What has 6 legs and a cunt on the middle of its back?A Police horse.
• You say patato, I say potato.You say tamato, I say fuck off and die you american cunt.
• What do you call Tim Westwood in a car?A Cunt.
• For years I thought my dad suffered from Tourettes.Turns out he just thought I was a fucking cunt.
• That saying "you are what you eat" is untrue.I am NOT a schoolgirls minge.
• You know you"re Taliban if...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can"t afford shoes.You have more wives than teeth.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.You can"t think of anyone you HAVEN"T declared Jihad against.You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.You"ve often uttered the phrase, "I love what you"ve done with your cave."You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.You"ve ever had a crush on your neighbour"s goat.
• Why don"t Muslims drink alcohol?It might give the cunts a sense of humour.
• *Here you go America! This one"s for you. AND you"ll be able to understand it!*Yo momma"s so fat...she must be American.
• A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven."Hey, what"s going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter."Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies."No, no this isn"t right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away.""Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter."No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim."Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him."Jesus, I don"t understand what"s going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Would you like a capuccino?""No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now.""Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears."Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.The muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don"t get what"s happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!""Would you like a capuccino?""Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I"ll have a fucking capuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.
• What"s the difference between Ant and Dec and lesbian sex? Nothing. They"re both just a couple of cunts bouncing off each other.
• Long but worth whileWhen you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don"t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don"t know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I"d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn"t believe that anyone could be so rude.When I tracked down Robert"s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with him, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You"re a Cunt!" and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word "Cunt" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I"d call him up and yell, "You"re a Cunt!" It always cheered me up.When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I"m calling to see if you"re familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That"s because you"re a Cunt!"One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I"d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I"d better call the Land Rover Cunt, too.I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It"s a terraced house, and the car"s parked right out in front.""What"s your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When"s a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I"m home most days as I"m currently unemployed.""Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you"re a Cunt!"Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called Cunt #1."Hello?""You"re a Cunt!" (But I didn"t hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked."Yeah," I said."Stop calling me," he screamed."Make me," I said."Who are you?" he asked."My name is Steve Hansen.""Yeah? Where do you live?""I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."He said, "I"m coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I"m really scared, Cunt," and hung up.Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said."Hello, Cunt," I said.He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...""You"ll do what?" I said."I"ll kick your arse," he exclaimed."Well, Cunt, here"s your chance. I"m coming over right now."Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street , Ilford.I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street . I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.Now I feel MUCH better.
• Have you noticed that if you re-arrange the letters in the word "immigrants", as well as adding and taking away letters, it actually reads: "Fuck off home you hairy bed sheet and sandal with socks wearing horrible cunts".Coincidence? I don"t think so...
• Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson are at a celebrity do. She says "I"m a model, what do you do?" He replies "I do Top Gear."She said "Wicked! I"ll have an eighth."
• What"s Red White And Full Of Cunts?The Emirates Stadium
• The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn"t want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I"ll have to call you back. I"ve got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
• I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what"s your disability?"I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
• An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.The barman replied "You"re American aren"t you?"The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fuck I have ever seen."
• A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks..."Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?""Yes" replies the cop.He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?""No" replies the cop."Well then," says the man, "I think you"re a cunt!"
• The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it.To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.Last time I buy McCann"s Oven Chips...
• What"s the difference between Heather Mills and a Venus fly-trap?A Venus fly-trap is a plant. Heather Mills is a cunt.
• What"s nine inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?Steve McLaren"s tie