Cross jokes

• I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
• Why did the chav cross the road?To start a fight with a complete stranger for absolutely no reason.
• Why did the chicken cross the road?Because there was a black man walking towards him
• Why did the woman cross the road?More to the point why the fuck is she out of the kitchen?!
• Scientists have discovered that many men in the UK have penises measuring 3 inches or less.To help solve this problem, they have asked them to identify themselves by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars.
• Christmas is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
• Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
• How do you make a bear cross?Nail two of them together.
• Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
• I was about to cross a road when this really fat old woman screamed at me from the other side, "please, young man, can you see me across the road?"I shouted back, "I could see you a fucking hundred yards back!"
• Why did Princess Diana cross the road?She wasn"t wearing her seatbelt.
• What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?"Don"t touch my fucking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."
• Murphy decided to open up his own D.I.Y store called "Murphy"s Nails". It started off fairly well but he decided it could do with some advertisiment so he rang his mate Pat who was a media advertiser to make a T.V. advert for him which Pat agreed and said it would air on Friday. Murphy got all excited and invited all his friends and family round to watch it. The advert began with the camera at the bottom of the hill and it gradually panned up to the top to show Jesus on the cross and the tagline "They used Murphy"s Nails" appeared.Murphy was horrified and his friends and family were disgusted, so immediatley he rang his mate Pat and screamed down the phone at him "What"s this, that"s not the way to sell my product, people are gonna get the wrong message".Pat replied, "Aye, I can see you"re problem, i"m sorry pal, i"ll change it and it"ll re-air next Friday.So next Friday comes round and Murphy nervously invites all his friends and family back to watch the advert that should"ve appeared. As the advert comes on it again starts the same way with the camera at the bottom of the hill, it gradually pans up to the top of the hill to show the same cross, however it"s empty, and in the distance Jesus can be seen legging it and up comes the tagline "They Should"ve Used Murphy"s Nails".
• It"s 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates.Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!"Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?""Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You"ve killed millions of people. There"s no way you"re getting in here!"Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?"Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates.On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!"Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don"t cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven."Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you"re a mass-murdering madman, I"m not letting you in here."Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven."Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can"t do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!"Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!"Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I"ll go and ask my dad."So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what"s been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat.God says "Look son, I"m as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain"t getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!""Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!"On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He"s down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off.Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn"t carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"