Credit crunch jokes

• Who cares about the credit crunch and stock market crash. I have just done something that will shortly net me a big house and millions of pounds.I have just married Wendy Richard.
• Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned that they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander.A government spokes man said, “nobody expects the Spanish acquisition.”
• The credit crunch...I could lose my job.I could lose all my savings.I could lose my house.So what does the country do?Spend billions of our money on an event that lasts just two weeks and which serves no purpose other than to find out which people on this planet are best at taking drugs without being caught.
• Financial Advice in these dark times.If you had purchased $1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago, it would now be worth $4.95.With HBOS, earlier this week, your $1000 would have been worth $16.50. $1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than $5. But if you bought $1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminum recycling plant, you would get $214. So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
• Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.
• I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".I"m wondering is it them or me.
• Petrol is way too fucking expensive these days. I actually can"t afford to drive. Last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.
• The credit crunch is getting bad isn"t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it turns out I"m now Britain"s third biggest lender.
• The credit crunch is even affecting my sex life.I can only afford the cheap sweets from Lidl and the kids just don"t like them.
• I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds. My friend"s a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning. He"s suing for funfair dismissal.
• Isn"t it ironic that Kerry Katona went bankrupt just before Iceland?
• Experts are urging Gordon Brown to do something to stimulate the country during the credit crunch.I don"t know about you, but the thought of those arrogant fucking merchant bankers emptying their desks into cardboard boxes, handing back the keys to their Porches and waving goodbye to obscene bonuses has cheered me up no end.
• Now that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have been taken over by the US Government, doesn"t it make the US one big council estate?Next they"ll be sitting in front of the TV all day eating pizza and getting immensely fat.Oh wait a minute...