Cream jokes

• Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old?Because he was a paedophile.
• Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.
• Why did Nivea Cream?Because Max Factor.
• What does Mr. Kipling do in his spare time?Fills his tarts with cream.
• Afer sex,i love nothing more than an apple cream pie...Just have to be careful Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow don"t find out.
• A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water.""Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water."I"m afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I"ll die.""Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?""I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it"s a trifle bazaar."
• I"ve just popped round to meet the new next door neighbours, and I think they"re Jewish.Well, they"ve got a fucking fork in the sugar bowl, teabags on the washing line, and double glazed windows so that the kids can"t hear the ice-cream vans.
• i once knew this bloke before he died,and i don"t think this bloke ever lied,cos he had a wife with a fanny so wide,that she was never fuckin" satisfied,so he made her a prick out of shining steel,two brass and a fucking great wheel,the brass balls he filled em" with cream,ant the whole fuckin issue was driven by steam,round and round went the fucking great wheel,in and out went the prick of steel,untill she cried "enough, i"m fuckin" satisfied",but now we come to the horrible bit,there was no way of stopping it,her arsehole to her fanny was split,and the whole fuckin" issue was covered in shit
• Don"t waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months.My balls still look like fucking walnuts.
• A man goes to the doctor complaining that he has a strawberry stuck up his arse.The doctor says, "don"t worry I"ve got some cream for that."
• An old lady brings her dog to the vet as it seems to be having problems with its hearing. The vet cleans the dog"s ears and advises her to use hair removal cream on the dog"s ears once a month as a means to reduce build-up and avoid the problem.The old lady leaves the vet and heads straight to the pharmacist to buy hair removal cream.The pharmacist says "If you"re using it on your legs, wear a dress for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. If you"re using it on your arm pits, wear a singlet for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. By the way, where are you using the cream?""On my schnauser," says the old lady.The pharmacist replies "In that case, I"d avoid riding a bike for the next week."
• What does Eric Clapton have in common with coffee?They"re both shit without Cream.