Crap jokes

• I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed a shit.
• Did you hear about the guy who had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants?The wages were poor but the tips were huge.
• The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• A man was arrested yesterday after being caught with his dick in the bank vault.He claims he was just having safe sex.
• Still no sign of Pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for Britain, is there? I say, next time they have one, fuck em!
• Apparantly Greater Manchester and Lancashire County Councils are struggling with a costly sewage treatment and recycling facility. They should ask Peter Kay for help- he is an expert at making money by re-using old shit over and over again.
• Congratulations. You have won the weight of your brain in sweets.To claim your free tic tac log onto www.thickasfuck.co.uk
• The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn"t want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I"ll have to call you back. I"ve got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
• I can"t think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.
• We call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn"t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
• If Men Wrote Problem Pages...Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn"t know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it"s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you"re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I"m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you"ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
• It"s really bad in Bridgend, I went into Halfords to buy a tow rope and they asked me what size collar I was
• What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?Here"s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%AndK-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,It"s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing That will put you over the top.
• IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.IN PRISON you get three meals a day.AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour.AT WORK you get more work for good behaviour.IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.IN PRISON you get your own toilet.AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.AT WORK you can"t even speak to your family!!!IN PRISON the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens.AT WORK they are called managers.
• I met a girl the other night who told me that when she gives blowjobs, she likes to keep a mint in her mouth.Well that"s refreshing, I thought.
• When the world ends on Wednesday, who"s going to write the Wikipedia article?
• A recent survey found that 97% of people wouldn"t take part in a survey...
• The Irish potato famine 1845. The potato crop failed and approximately one million people starved to death. Ireland, a small island surround by sea. I mean, for fuck"s sake, did none of the stupid cunts think of going fishing?
• Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What"s the matter now?""Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears."That"s not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you"re upset, but a big boy like you shouldn"t cry at something like that. Why didn"t you just laugh?""I did!" sobbed Johnny.
• A Chav walks up to a guy on a street corner and asks "Ye got any E"s like"The guy looks at him "Nah man, I didn"t fail school unlike you"
• I"d love to speak to my ex-wife again.Through a medium.