Crack jokes

• You can call me sick if you want but, after my parents and wife died, the first thing I thought about was the next X-Factor audition.
• Christmas time.Valium and wine.Children indulging in serious crime.With dad on the weed and mum high on crack.Christmas is magic when your family is black!
• From time to time I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.
• The Coroner has confirmed Heath Ledger died as a result of drugs.Apparently he became addicted to crack on the set of Brokeback Mountain.
• I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn.I said "Dawn, get off my face."
• I remember on The X Factor there was a 25-year-old black woman with five kids who"d previously been a crack addict. Simon Cowell said she was a "unique person".I think we can all tell he hasn"t been to Croydon recently.
• This American bloke goes into a pub in Southern England. He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.The barman says, "you"re good, but Smiffy will have you."Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.The barman says, "you"re very good, but Smiffy will have you."Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.The barman says, "you"re fucking good, but Smiffy will have you."With this, the American chap says, "who the fuck is Smiffy?"The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his arse and says, "can you do that?"The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy fuckin" had him!
• What"s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
• With Amy Winehouse"s husband in prison for the foreseeable future she has turned to lesbianism. Just once again proving she can"t keep her hands off the crack.
• I"ve got a serious crack problem.I"m not getting any.