Cow jokes

• What do you call Jade Goody with her family and friends relaxing on a beach in Cuba?Bay of Pigs.
• An Australian dairy cow, who lost a leg after a fall, has been fitted with a replacement. Vets have suggested that this could be the first cow to be fitted with a prosthetic leg; but Paul McCartney disagreed.
• For thousands of years human beings have milked cows, and consumed the milk.It just makes you wonder- who actually discovered that cows could be milked- and what was he TRYING to do?
• An extremely ugly fat bird walks into a pub, and shouts "if anyone can guess my weight they can shag me". A guy in the corner replies "93 stone you fat cow".Close enough she replies, you lucky bastard
• What"s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?Americans don"t know how to milk a cow!
• A copper in Bradford stops a Muslim leading a cow down the street. He asks "What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?" "I"m taking it home to keep it in my house." "What about all the flies and shit?" "It will just have to get used to them."
• What"s the difference between a cow and a tragedy?A scouser wouldn"t know how to milk a cow.
• A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls.They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That"s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That"s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."The husband"s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should make a full recovery.
• A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company"s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn"t you say, at the scene of the accident, "I"m fine,"?" asked the Lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I"ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...""I didn"t ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I"m fine!"?"Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde"s answer and said to the lawyer, "I"d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad anddidn"t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you Feeling?""Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?"
• This married couple have just been to a fancy dress party and they are dressed in a cow costume with the the bloke in the front and the woman in the back. They cross over a field and the woman hears running footsteps, then she shrieks "oh my god, its a bull coming, what shall we do?"The bloke says "I"m going to eat some grass...you better fuckin" brace yourself"
• When she gets married, on arriving at the church the first thing the woman will see is the aisle, next she will see the altar, and lastly she will see him...and that"s exactly what the fucking horrible cow is thinking.... " Aisle Altar Him "
• Just seen a cow in a field using a fucking mobile phoneIt"s the first case of bluetooth disease.