Court jokes

• What do you call a chav in a suit?The accused.
• A bloke is in court accused of having sex with dogs , the judge says "This is disgusting, how low can you go? and the bloke says "A Chiuahua"
• I"m in court soon on suspicion of rape.It"s okay, it"s a belief of my religion.As my religion is Jedi, I"m allowed to use force.
• When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren"t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week." "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself!".
• I"m up in court next week, accused of raping a virgin twice.But I"m pleading not guilty on the grounds that she wasn"t a virgin the second time I raped her.
• A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters, "fuck all.""What did you say?" asks the judge. The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "fuck all", your honour.""Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
• Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I"d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.I want you to go out his weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.I"ll see you back in court Monday".Monday , the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.""17 people? That"s wonderful. What did you tell them?""I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this..... O o ... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.""That"s admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? " the judge asked the second guy." Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That"s amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge. " Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your asshole in prison!"
• A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense"s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn"t."
• What did Jehovah do that"s so bad he needs that many witnesses?