Condom jokes

• How is a woman like a condom?Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
• The lady in the shop looked shocked when I asked if there was a fitting room.Maybe it was because I was buying Condoms.
• One day, a Welshman came up with an idea that sheep intestines would make great condoms.Some time later, an English man thought it would be an even better idea to take the intestine out of the sheep first.
• Friends are like condomsThey are there when things get hard.
• My daughter told me she was pregnant the other day. I was more angry at myself than at her, to be honest.I knew I should have worn that condom.
• My condom split on me last night.It was terrible, there was spunk all over my keyboard.
• What do Robert Mugabe and a condom have in common?Both are great for inflation but kill the next generation.
• Why use a condom when a false name is so much easier?
• Little pricks go in little condoms.Big pricks go in big condoms.So what do you put fat pricks into?A NEWCASTLE UNITED SHIRT
• When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom.Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
• A woman walks into a chemist and asks the man behind the counterif he sells extra large condoms.He replies, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"She replies, "No, but do you mind if i wait around hereuntil someone does?"
• I brought some of these flavoured condoms the other day. Said to my wife "Lets have a game, I put one on and you try to guess what favour it is"She closed her eyes went under the blanket and said " cheese and onion flavour"I said " for fucks sake give me time to put one on"
• Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...Particularly when you weren"t wearing one when you started.
• A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor. After several hours in the waiting room, (NHS...) they"re called in."Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control.""Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be sexually active!""Sexually active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"
• A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?""Yeah, once or twice," he said."You mean you"ve actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked."Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I"d ever lied to my girlfriend."
• What"s the difference between a woman and a condom?It"s a lot easier to piss a woman off.
• A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk?"Gee, I don"t know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4."He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I"ve never done this before. I don"t know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him, and then yells,"Clean up in aisle 4!"
• In response to the Labour party logo change, as told in this lovely passage...."The Labour party have decided to change their party logo from a rose, to a condom because they feel it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a good sense of security whilst you"re being fucked.".... the Conservatives have also decided to change their logo to a condom, but one with a pin through it. This symbolises all the same attributes as the new Labour logo with the exception that it doesn"t actually work.
• I went into a shop the other day and bought some of those new super-sensitive condoms. They"re brilliant!They hang around after you fuck off and talk to the bird about "relationships"...
• A man is being shown around a latex factory.First of all he is shown the machine that makes baby bottle tits. The machine makes the sound: hiss, pop, hiss, pop. Now, the hissing noise is the latex being poured into the moulds, and the popping noise is the hole being put into the end of the tit.Next he is shown the machine that makes condoms. The machine makes the noise: hiss, hiss, hiss, pop, so the man says, "hang on a minute, I know that the hissing sound is latex being poured into the mould, but I can hear a popping noise."The manager of the factory says, "yes, sir, after every four condoms, we put a hole in one.""Fucking hell," the bloke says "that can"t be very good for the condom industry!""No," said the manager, "but it"s fucking brilliant for the baby bottle tit business."
• A man and a woman are in bed when the woman hands the man a packet of condoms."They are Olympic condoms," she says"Olympic condoms?" he replies"Yes, they"re coloured Gold, Silver, and Bronze.""I"ll use the Gold," he says"No, use the Silver, you can come second for once."
• Little Johnny walked into his dad"s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife. Johnny"s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied,"I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
• A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants."Well," he said, "I"ve been seeing this girl for a while and she"s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight"s "the" night. We"re having dinner with her parents, and then we"re going out. And I"ve got a feeling I"m gonna get lucky after that. Once she"s had me, she"ll want me all the time, so you"d better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
• Condoms are getting bloody expensive these days. It"s actually cheaper just to fork out for the odd abortion now and then.
• A man walks into a chemist, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there"s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it"s a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the shop, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What"s so funny about buying a johnny, anyway?So he tells his assistant, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his assistant to go follow the guy.About an hour later, the assistant comes back to the store."Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.The assistant replies "Your house."
• Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you"re going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don"t," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there"s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn"t crack a smile."Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What"s so funny?" he asked "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
• What"s the similarity between Kodak Cameras and Condoms?They are both there to catch those special moments.
• What Do You Call A Condom Stuck To A Window? Condem-sation