Computer jokes

• Just installed a Diana screensaver, now my computer keeps crashing
• I backed up my computer today.I had to - my mate said it was shit.
• NEW COMPUTER VIRUSThe David Beckham Virus- This affects newer PCs mainly.The computer looks great, all the lights are on. But nothing works.
• The population of this country is 300 million.160 million are retired.That leaves 140 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school.Which leaves 55 million to do the work.Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.Leaving 20 million to do the work.2.8 million are in the armed forcesWhich leaves 17.2 million to do the work.Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.And that leaves 6.4 million to do the work.At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.Leaving 6,212,000 to do the work.Now, there are 6,211,998 people in prisons.That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice... Real nice.
• Since getting rid of his nasty, abusive wife, Stephen Hawking decided to join a computer dating agency.After submitting all of his details and running the report, he was matched up with a Commodore 64.
• What do you get if you cross a Mac with a nun?A computer that will never go down on you.
• Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
• My computer beat me at chess a few days ago.It was no match for me at kickboxing though
• Shannon Matthews real father, Bernard Matthews, has been arrested as his computer had pictures of a fowl nature.
• World War III. The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:"Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer."Yes!"The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer:"Yes, what?"After another fifteen minutes the computer replies:"Yes, Sir!"
• A quarter of over 50"s are failing to save.It"s CTRL & S. You old fucks.
• I don"t know, the modern world. All these electrical apparatus that speak to you. I have a computer that tells me it has updated itself, an alarm clock that tells me its time to wake up, a sat-nav system that tells me the right direction and a bedside lamp that tells me to go out and kill women.
• It"s amazing the service that we, the taxpayer, get from the Police these days.A couple of months ago, some Police officers kicked my front door in and took my broken computer away. I wasn"t quite sure what was going on but they returned it two months later and it was working fine again. They even paid for a new front door and gave me a grand for my trouble. Brilliant service!But the best bit is, I"ve put my old hard drive back in it and can now watch all my favourite kiddie porn again.Thanks guys. Top job.
• Computer games don"t affect kids. I mean, if Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we"d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
• What"s the difference between a woman and a computer?You only have to punch information into a computer once!
• I believe it"s important to have proper protection on your computer...Which is why I always put a plastic bag on my keyboard when I"m looking at porn.
• Q: How do you get Pikachu onto a bus? A: Pokemon!