Coffin jokes

• I like to tell dirty jokes at work to help make the time go by.One time we laughed so much we nearly dropped the coffin!
• Why is a vagina like a coffin? It can only handle one stiff at a time.
• My uncle died the other day. He was a deck chair attendant.Took the fuckers five attempts before they got him in the coffin.
• I opened my front door this morning to find a large black coffin. I gave him a pack of Lockets and told him to fuck off.
• Best day of my life was when i walked down the asile towards my wife, everyone was similing, her mum had a few nice things to say, i gave her a kiss and shut the fuckin coffin!!!!!!
• One of the city"s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the priest finished the sermon and everyone had said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I"m a gynaecologist..."
• How many nails are used to make a lesbian"s coffin?None - it"s all tongue and groove
• When I was a boy, I had a jack-in-the-box. My parents weren"t happy about it.Apparently, masturbating in your grandad"s coffin isn"t the done thing.
• Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher"s state funeral.It"ll be the first time ever the 24 gun salute is fired into the coffin.This funeral is gonna cost 3 million? For 3 million you could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel. We"ll dig a hole so deep they will be able to hand the bitch over to Satan in person.
• What do a condom and a coffin have in common?They"re both filled with stiffs, except one"s coming and one"s going.
• I went to a funeral today. Fuck me, don"t some women look sexy in black? The vicar made me stop wanking and close the lid.
• What"s the worst thing about going down on your Grandmother?Hitting the back of your head on the coffin lid.