Class jokes

• Sometimes, I like to sit and think about how lucky I am.For instance. I come from a white, middle class, english household. My parents are paying for my education, and thus, I will enter a career of my choosing. I will grow older, and marry, have children, and the cycle will start over again.Then I compare myself to those poor children in Africa....... Who are black.
• A teacher is telling her class of six-year-olds the story of the three little pigs.She gets to the part where the the first pig asks a man for some straw for his house.She decides to ask the class what the man would have said.One lad puts his hand up and says, "I think the man would have said; "Well fuck me, a talking pig!"
• Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?""None," replied Johnny, ""Cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?""Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
• A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow"s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member"s death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
• Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we"re going to have a general knowledge quiz.The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah"m pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an" that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said "Don"t ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.Teacher: "Who said. "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?""Wee Jock"s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he"s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he"s ready for anything that comes.He"s coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.Teacher: "Who said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"?"Wee Jock"s arm shoots straight in the air, he"s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook"in Tuesday!!"
• Little Johnny is in class, and the teacher is asking the children what their parents do for a living. She asks a non-too-bright pupil what his father does, and he answers "he"s a sheet metal worker."The teacher says "OK, can you spell that for me?""S-H-E-T...""No, that"s not quite right, try again.""S-H-I...""No, sorry, that"s not it either. Go round the back of the blackboard and write it out with this chalk until it looks right."The kid takes the chalk and dutifully walks around the blackboard and starts writing. The teacher says, "Right, Johnny, what does your father do for a living?"Johnny says, "he"s a bookie.""You mean a bookmaker. Can you spell that for me?""No, but I"ll give you two to one he writes shit on that blackboard"
• Jacko"s house was raided by the Drug Squad. They found some Class A in his living room, Class B in his kitchen and Class 3C in his bedroom.
• Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?""He"s a doctor, miss.""Joe, what does your dad do?"He"s a pilot, miss.""Billy, what"s your dad do?""My dad"s dead, miss.""Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?""He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
• A teacher asks a class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Mary stands up and says, "trees are definitely green." "Not in the winter," said Miss. "The sky is definately blue." "No, there can be cloud." Then Jimmy stands up and asks, "Miss, do farts have lumps in them?" "No," she replied. "Then I"ve definitely shat myself."
• During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I"ll be right back.""That"s better, but it"s still not very nice to say the word lav at the dinner tableAnd you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you"ll get to meet after dinner."The teacher fainted.
• A little lad in a London primary school gets to take his pet kittens into class.The teacher says to him, "they are very nice, what do they like to do?"The little lad replies, "they like to watch Tottenham Hotspur, miss."Teacher; "ah, that"s real cute"A few weeks later, she asks the little lad what his kittens are up to.He replies, "they are watching Arsenal, miss."The teacher says, "but I thought you said they were Spurs fans?""They were, miss, but now their eyes have opened!"