Cinema jokes

• I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the fuck happened on the ninth of November anyway?
• People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 10 metres below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with niggers is a fucking genius!
• Despite the worldwide success of blockbuster movie The Secret Wives of Henry VIII..........the film has struggled to make an impact at American cinemas.A United States economist said "We"re not surprised the movie has struggled, given that the previous 7 films were not released over here".
• I was in the Cinema the other day, and my mate got up and said, "I"m just nipping to the gents, you want anything?"I was like, "Yeah, I"d like a handful of piss please."
• What baffles me about America, and Hollywood in particular, is their "history" films. Rambo seems keen to make it clear that America actually won the Vietnam war. World War Two "Epics" like Saving Private Ryan seem to imply that the Americans were the only force opposing Germany. Then we get toss like "U-571." In reality, this was a British success that changed the course of the war, leading to the end of the Nazi regime and saving millions of lives. The Hollywood version decides that no, it wasn"t the British, it was fucking Jon Bon Jovi.We need to start seeing movies like this for what they are- fairy tales and fantasies to make Americans feel good about themselves. Anyway, fuck it, I"m looking forward to a run of "Iraq War History Movies" in a few years. No doubt it will turn out that the British weren"t even there, or if there were they would be nasty upper class baddies.
• Fred and Mavis are enjoying a nice afternoon in the cinema.After 20 or so minutes Mavis leans over to her husband and whispers "Fred, the man next to me is having a wank""Just ignore him" Fred replies, engrossed in the film."I can"t" she replies, "he"s using my hand..."
• At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands."Wasn"t I good enough?" he asked sheepishly."Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
• A young married couple were sitting in the cinema. After a while the woman said to her husband, "The man next to me is masturbating.""Ignore him honey," replied the man. "Come on we"ll move seats.""I can"t" she said, "He"s using my hand."
• A man took his pet duck to the cinema. He was worried about it not being admitted if someone saw the duck, so he hid it inside his pants.He took his seat but after a couple of minutes the duck began to fidget so the man opened his zipper so the duck could stick its head out.There were 2 women sitting in the seat next to him in the theatre and one woman said to the other, "Murial, that mans got his "thing" out"Murial said, "so what, you"ve seen one before""yes" replied her friend "but this ones eating my popcorn!"