Christmas jokes

• Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.Such a pity it was a puppy.
• The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the fucking cord!
• Christmas is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
• Christmas time.Valium and wine.Children indulging in serious crime.With dad on the weed and mum high on crack.Christmas is magic when your family is black!
• Please remember a doggy is not just for christmas. ...Its a fucking great postion all the year round!!
• Why wasn"t Christ born in America?They couldn"t find three wise men and a virgin.
• This 8 year old girl goes into Santa"s grotto, she sits on his lap and father Christmas says, "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas my dear?" The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!" Santa says, "Will a little white beard be ok?"
• My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something suprising and sexy.Turned out she didn"t mean rape.
• What"s the plus side of a costly spring family holiday in Portugal?A cheaper Christmas
• My gran always gets me socks for my birthday and Christmas.She says, "You can never have too many socks, my love".You can if you"re Heather Mills.
• Paul McCartney bought his wife a new artificial leg for Christmas.It wasn"t her main present, it was just a stocking filler.
• Christmas and Anal sex have a lot in common. A lot of people say its better to give than receive