Cheating jokes

• I read in a magazine that it is a good thing in a relationship to keep a few secrets.I have plenty - Sarah, Joanne, Amy, Louise....
• I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.
• How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?Phone her up
• Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers."Since when do you wear womens pants?""Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
• My wife caught me cheating on her again last weekend.She said, "every time you shag another women, a part of me dies."A few more shags should finish the job!
• Not a joke but a good read…The first part is a girl"s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply... Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won"t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can"t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn"t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can"t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don"t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn"t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can"t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn"t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry. Elizabeth RESPONSE: Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your concern. I"ll be sure to file it away under "L! " for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn"t care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you"re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn"t as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I"m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn"t fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn"t care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I"m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else"s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don"t think you"re a terrible person, they just think you"re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know. PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people. Talk to you never, Brad
• Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven"s getting pretty close to full today, and I"ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what"s your story?"The first man replies: "Well, for a while I"ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn"t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn"t you know it, he wouldn"t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn"t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn"t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It"s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn"t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I"m here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I"m hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
• My girlfriend came downstairs in this very sluttish dress the other night and I said, "you look like you"re about to go to a fucking brothel."She said, "well, what if I am?"I replied, "you can give me a lift."
• A young woman is lying on her death bed hopelessy close to her end, her husband enters the room and gently cups her hand to comfort her.The woman musters her remaining strength and gently whispers "darling i must come clean with you".The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength. She continues anyway telling him that she hasn"t been entirely faithful to him and informs him of her multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.The man replies "I know darling, why the fuck do you think i poisoned you?"
• A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it"s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"His wife, irritated by her husband"s lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you"re ready, Father of Four."
• I"m still having sex at 87.It"s only across the road from us at number 84, but my wife still doesn"t notice.