Celebrity jokes

• I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver at the bus station this morning.Turns out it was just a dead horse.
• Jordan has told her new boyfriend that she wants an all white wedding "great" he said "cos that little fat cunt Harvey gives me the creeps
• Celebrity parents everywhere have been congratulating Josef Fritzl on his unusual but successful attempt at forcing fame on his children.
• I live my life by the stars.So I adopted a child from Africa, called him a stupid name, had a breakdown, then joined the Church of Scientology.
• Bernard Manning knocks on the gates of Heaven. A big voice booms out "WHO DAT?"Bernard says "forget it!"
• What is Daniella Westbrook"s favourite sex position?Fuck Nose.
• For years I dreamt of getting my hands on Christina Applegate"s tits.Now, thanks to breast cancer and eBay, I"ve got a chance!
• Who was the last 20 stone black man to ride a derby winner?Lester Piggott"s cell mate.
• Did you hear about that guy who sued Britney Spears for breaking his foot?I"m going to sue Jessica Alba for damaging my right arm.
• I said to my friend the other day, "See if you can solve this riddle?...People who have it don"t need it.People who are without it are happy and people who want it regret it if they get it."He said "I know it"s celebrity status!"I replied,"No it"s a black baby."
• What do Barry George and a Jehovah"s Witness have in common?They both turn up on your doorstep and do your head in.
• What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana"s head before she died?The steering wheel