Catholic jokes

• I for one am vehemently opposed to the campaign for women priests in the Catholic Church.Call me a chauvinist if you like, but I feel that women, by the very nature of their gender, are simply not equipped to carry out the duties required of a priest. I mean, seriously, how the fuck is a woman supposed to bum an altar boy?
• Why do Catholic women stop having kids at 35?Because they think 36 is just too many.
• How do you castrate a Catholic priest?Kick a choir-boy in the chin.
• Why is the Catholic clergy so opposed to abortion?Because it means there are less children to molest.
• Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
• I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling.I wish the priest could"ve just picked a position and fucked me!
• What"s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?Acne doesn"t come on a boy"s face until he"s 13 or so.
• Gerry and Kate McCann went to see the Pope to ask if he could help find their daughter.The Pope said he"d love to help but the Catholic Clergy was more used to hunting down small boys.
• A Catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the Pope. He went to St Peter"s square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on, ignoring the bishop. Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter"s square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop"s shoulder and said"Didn"t I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"
• An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn"t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You"re a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that"s parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years" Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
• I see that the Catholic Church has now revised the "Seven Deadly Sins" to include "Hoarding Great Wealth".Lucky for them they haven"t included Hypocrisy.
• A priest offered a Nun a lift.She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.